Pit Eater
I used to work in a call-centre, so I know what it’s like to be the guy on the end of the line who gets shouted at three thousand times a day. And you’d think that the insults get boring after a while, but they never do. Because there are so many insults out there it’s unreal. And the more people you get told to F off by, the more you realise that insulting people in a smart way is really a bit of an art-form.
It bothered me to begin with, being called every name under the sun and a few behind the sun that would make Einstein scratch his head. And surprisingly, the best insults came from the poshest people. After a few months at the call-centre it became a game: a board was put up and the person to get called the most imaginative insult would get to claim a prize.
The problem with this weekly game was that a) the prize was hardly worth having, which wasn’t much of an incentive, and b) the more weeks passed by, the harder it got. For example, in week 4 it was fairly original to cite ‘bottom dwelling sess-pit eater’ as the most orginal insult, but by the seventh week that insult was a common one and it’d be something like ‘big beach bags full of the opposite of the best thing ever and then caked in parasitical liquid poo from Tony Blair’s underpants’ that won. So after a while the game just got too hard, and we all started to give up.
Eventually the game gave way to a new game: see how many compliments you can pay a customer before he / she threatens to sue. Not that we were worried about actually getting sued. We only had outgoing lines and they didn’t know who we were.